I’ll do anything else it seems–for vast periods of time– just to avoid the minor unpleasantness of sharing my writing and my work. What is it exactly that am I avoiding? Squaring the astonishing chasm between the science-scholar life that I imagined for myself and the way that it has unfurled? And when I turn away from that, facing my vast portfolio of missed opportunities and dropped balls? And then… when I turn outward… seeing so much fear and ignorance, anger and hostility, pain and suffering?
Maybe what stopped me was that new feeling that took root in my solar plexus a few years back (the week it appeared is recorded in my notes), during a time that I was simultaneously at my happiest and my alonest. Is it fear?
This is half of my self-assessment at middle age
At the same time, I have had much contentment, happiness, and also exquisite moments of joy as a scientist, mother, daughter, sister, wife, and friend. I know my strengths and weaknesses. Those muscles for delaying gratification are well-rested and my are they ready to refire.
In a recurring dream, I am lecturing (sorry about that. I am trained as a professor, after all) through concepts that start in the natural sciences and arc towards how to train a new generation of compassionate scientists that will do their part to help build the next generations of humans caring for humanity on this planet. What are the microscopic underpinnings for the behavior of fluid materials? How do materials function to make our world work? How is our knowledge of the world built, bolstered, and shared? How do we use our understanding of all of this to guide our planet toward human sustainability? How do we simultaneously maintain our mind taut as scientists while also relaxed enough to build in new ideas? How do we do this while also remaining kind to each other and to the Earth? How will we learn to metabolize the increasing amount of suffering that we will continue to see? How will we science when we are frightened?
So here I am, renewing my vows as I do every morning. Today I’m adding “to share” to my litany of vows to live as best and fully as I can in this world and in my communities.